Are you a recreational or a technical diver?

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It’s a question that has never troubled any of the great minds of our time. But if it’s troubling your mind then why not take my simple test and discover once and for all are you rec or tec?

  1. What is an appropriate dive plan?

a. A quick glance at the NDL for the maximum depth and a discussion on time, depth and turn pressures.

b. You don’t have time to answer the question as you are about to undergo major cosmetic surgery to give you a ‘booty the size of a cadillac’.

c. A thorough series of written plans covering gas needs, depth, decompression and times including back ups for having exceeded time or depth and losing gas.

d. We’ll just jump in and do what our computers tell us.

  1. You glance down at your spg to discover that you have significantly less gas than you thought. What do you do?

a. Signal to your buddy that you’re low on air, ascend normally, complete a safety stop and exit, reminding yourself to be a little more careful next time.

b. You don’t have time to answer the question because you are about to record a rapping bit for a song recorded by a barely legal, ex-member of the Mickey Mouse club dressed in a see-through, split-crotch unitard.

c. Due to your careful pre-dive planning you are able to use your reserve gas until you reach your gas switch. You then complete all your deco and remind yourself to be more careful next time.

d. You realise in a moment of bone shaking, crystalline panic that your lack of dive planning means you don’t have enough gas to get you out of the water.

3. Do you like diving?

a. Yes.

b. You don’t have time to answer the question because you are currently doing some rapping about ‘haters’ and how much money you have in a voice that sounds like the guy who made the space invader noises on Police Academy.

c. Not anymore, you fill the growing gap in your soul with equipment and procedures whilst secretly looking on in envy at the wide eyed enjoyment of single tank divers.

d. Yes, you don’t see the point of all the kit and boring rules if you want to go off exploring. That is until you have an equipment malfunction and discover your poorly maintained, back-up ebay regulator performs mainly as a soda stream.

4. What kind of pictures do you take on a dive?

a. Blurry, washed out pictures of coral where a fish was a second ago. You then post 300 of these on facebook.

b. A selfie of you pulling a drag queen style grimace whilst wearing bondage nipple pasties over your gigantic fake balloon breasts. Taken with a mobile phone in a case that promotes you.

c. Pictures of your teammates in perfect trim looking all stern on the deco stop.

d. The camera is never recovered.

5. Describe a typical diving day?

a. Getting up early and wandering down the beach to the dive centre, you’ve got 3 dives planned today and you don’t care where. The sun is shining and life is good.

b. Being woken up early by a legion of handlers and stylists. First off is an appearance on an entertainment show of such vapid, snivelling, servility that the world is left culturally bereft by it’s very existence. Later you appear on a late night talk show where you choose to start a ‘beef’ with another performer whom on record is utterly indistinguishable from yourself. During the performance you ‘accidentally’ expose yourself.

c. Getting up early to drive 3hours through heavy traffic, to sit on a boat for 2 hours, blow off £70 of gas only to discover that the unknown mark is a small piece of metal poking up through the sand. It takes longer to get home through rush hour.

d. Getting up early to drive 3hours through heavy traffic, to sit on a boat for 2 hours, blow off £70 of gas only to discover that the unknown mark is a small piece of metal poking up through the sand. You then run out of gas and head to Plymouth in a chopper.

6. What is your favourite diving slogan?

a. ‘The Way The World Learns to Dive’.

b. ‘My Anaconda Don’t Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hun’.

c. ‘When One Tank is Not Enough’.

d. ‘This is Oxygen, it Will Help You, Can I Give it to You?’

7. What is trim?

Rec trim

a.

Nicki Minaj

b.

Tec trim

c.

Wonky trim

d.

8. How do you make your dives more conservative?

a. Use nitrox and dive well within NDLs.

b. Ensure that there are at least 3 other identikit clones with purple hair yelling incoherent vulgarities on the record so as to obfuscate who is actually responsible when it fails to chart well.

c. Use gradient factors.

d. On the dive trip, limiting the first night festivities to 9 pints of cooking lager instead of Stella and then having a large lamb shish on the way to the BnB instead of the elephant’s leg behind the counter.

9. What is your preferred style of diving?

a. Backmount

b. Baby got back

c. Backmount or sidemount

d. The cheapest thing you could buy on ebay jerry-rigged into a ticking time-bomb of underwater death.

10. What was your best dive ever?

a. Seeing Nemo.

b. Doing a duet with a clearly perplexed Elton John.

c. Landing on the deck of an unknown wreck.

d. Everytime you surface unharmed.

THE RESULTS

Mostly as: Congratulations you are a recreational diver. You enjoy coral reefs and shallow bimbles. You will soon become a tec diver.

Mostly bs: You are Nicki Minaj.

Mostly cs: Congratulations you are a tec diver, one room of your house is full of dive equipment and your partner is angry because they can’t use the bath. However, you understand what it is like to truly explore.

Mostly ds: You are an idiot.

A mix of answers: You are Nicki Minaj with a scuba certification and a poor attitude towards dive safety.