Your Scuba Horoscope

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Fortune teller

Could the date of your birth and the relative positions of stars and planets somehow influence your personality and future? The answer, as anyone over the age of 9 should be able to tell you, is no. Astrology, just like homeopathy and right-wing nationalism, is a giant pile of bobbins that should have been consigned to the dustbin of history by now. But if it did work, which it doesn’t, what could the stars have to say about your scuba diving future? Let’s see what I can make up in the next 20 minutes before my daughter wakes up…..

ARIES

When other divers reach 70 bar and have to begin their ascent you will often have as much as 72 or 73 bar instead. It’s so frustrating! Demand that you are only buddied with another Aries diver on this week’s dive trip instead of some useless Libran air pig.

TAURUS

You are gold hearted, strong willed, opinionated and have an almost comprehensive inability to formulate even the most rudimentary of dive plans. This week will be no exception, as you become the only scuba diver in history to be swept out to sea from an inland dive site.

GEMINI

The marketing phrase ‘Livetoscuba’ will be take on a reverse meaning for you when you wake up to discover that you have been fitted with a device that will explode and kill you unless you are immersed in water and breathing compressed air at a pressure of at least 2 atmospheres.

CANCER

A case of mistaken identity, a lost cert card and accidentally borrowing someone else’s fins will lead to you being responsible for the almost instantaneous mega-extinction of all the world’s coral reefs. Meanwhile a surprise phone call will bring an unexpected financial windfall.

LEO

Everyone said you were mad when you set out to solder your own dive tanks from sheet metal but the looks on their faces only served to strengthen your resolve. It’ll be nothing compared to the looks on their faces when they discover your remains later this week.

VIRGO

Answering no when you should have said yes on the paperwork this week will result in your rendition to a CIA blacksite where you will be the first person to be waterboarded by the Trump administration. Try to remember some snorkel displacement techniques to give you an edge during your ‘enhanced interrogation’.

LIBRA

Golf, coconuts, lightening strike and taking the bus, all things more likely than being eaten by a shark. This week will be no exception as the shark will become disinterested after it’s initial catastrophic bite and swim off.

SCORPIO

You never imagined that you would have an epitaph or that anyone would care about your last words but this week “Servicing, shmervicing” will trend as a hashtag on Twitter after the video of your final dive is released as a warning to others.

SAGITTARIUS

‘It’s better to be on the boat wishing you were at 40m instead of being at 40m wishing you were on the boat’. Wise words that this week will prove entirely untrue as you accidentally stray into waters frequented by pirates.

CAPRICORN

This week you will continue to be a badass scuba diver, controlling your buoyancy like some kind of underwater ninja.

AQUARIUS

This weekend there’ll be no wind, the sea will be flat calm and the vis will be excellent. The conditions are perfect. Sadly for you, as an alt-right troll, you’ll be far too busy on the internet seeking out anyone who would just like the world to be a nicer place and calling them a weak, naïve hypocrite.

PISCES

Your fear that the adhesive sheath attaching you to the pee valve will slip off this week is unfounded. In fact the sheath will remain firmly attached throughout the cramping waves of diarrhoea as you disastrously soil your drysuit moments before the commencement of 60 mins of deco.